1. Calm down and look around. There is something infinitely interesting in every spot you are in, like the smell of grass or saying hello to strangers.
2. Hanging out is better than everything. Time is for the people or dogs you enjoy. My teenage self was right, hanging out at the mall or in a friend’s basement actually does rock. A lot.
3. There’s no where to go, we are already here. Why go out when we’re already somewhere, like the couch? Good question.
4. A good long walk is important. Nothing clears my head like a good walk with a good canine friend. Or a human friend, come to think of it.
5. Love is unconditional. ‘Nuff said.
6. Dog kibble tastes terrible. I tried it once and it’s gross.
7. Everything is better with sauce on it. A good gravy transforms the taste of kibble to something entirely enjoyable to the dog. I haven’t tried that one yet. But I do like a good sauce.
8. Everything can be exciting. For Maggie, doing something is fun. Like this one: “Do you wanna go poop? Huh? Do ya? It’s gonna be a good time! Woohoo! Poop!” Try shouting that the next time you go to the bathroom. It will make it more fun.
9. Snorting is funny. Maggie’s snort-timing is impeccable – it’s as though she’s weighing in with agreement. “…and that’s why we have nuclear waste.” SNORT. Sure is.
10. Blame your farts on someone else. Maggie will get up from a nap, awoken by the stink of a fart she just created. She’ll look at whoever is nearby, as if to say, “That just woke me up. Phew that’s a stinker. Did you have to do that?” Then she walks away, disgusted. Leaving you with the smell. Good plan.