From stand up comedy to character pieces to video – the moments leading up to performing or displaying my work are incredibly debilitating – I literally shake, feel jittery, can’t eat, drink to much coffee or wine, suddenly need to clean my room, organize my socks or buy groceries – the mundane that suddenly seems more important to mask the fact that I’m afraid.
Often, I avoid the whole thing by blaming someone or my circumstance so I don’t actually have to do it. Like, “I’m far too busy” or “If my ex-boyfriend was more supportive of my work…” or “I’ll do the next round.” The truth is that I don’t like the discomfort that I feel before displaying my work – never mind promoting myself and what I am up to.
This past week, along with a great crew, I put together a trailer for a web series that I’ve been developing for the last 5 months or so. Lots of work – writing, planning, casting, funding, all of it. So it was a big project and it’s a big deal to me.
When I was about to post the trailer online, I was suddenly struck with the urge to run, do something else, get away from it all. “Who did I think I was and why would I succeed” kept running through my head. All those negative thoughts that keep me from doing what I want were chiming in full force. It took everything I had to post the trailer and tell people about it.
I guess I have to accept that this is just the way it goes. Feel the fear and do it anyway. What I am committed to is on the other side of it – the feedback, connection to people, seeing my work go out there, doing what I truly love.
Here’s the trailer for the series:
Please share it, comment on it, say what you like. Tell me if you’d watch it and why or why not.
It’s out there for me, but also for you. Because I do my work for all of us. Sometimes I forget that when I get wrapped up in my own fears.