Oh, Internet, you never fail to make my day

Among the things I do for a living, I manage online Google Ad campaigns. Those little text ads that show up beside the search results. I write them, track them, edit them and review them. And yes, people do click on them.

One of the tasks is to filter out the keywords that people are searching which are unrelated to your ad/product. Like if you were selling “butter tarts” then you’d want to get rid of things like “butter churn” “cocoa butter” and all the sites that might come up under “tart.” You get the picture.

I love this part – looking at what people have actually searched to get to your site. Some things are no-brainers, but others…well, others are surprising.

Like the image below. People actually searched for these things. I highlighted the choice ones in green. I let you draw your own conclusions.

 

The thoughts in my head

You know those thoughts that you think. The ones that spring you into some kind of action the minute you think them.

For me, one of them is “Get it together!”  I say that to myself all the time, and usually, I feel bad about not having it together. I furiously clean up, or make dinner or try to plan a week’s menu. I’ll write, bake, create a filing system, take photos, organize my computer, arrange my room.  But no matter what, the “together” part never seems to happen. Which typically leads me to giving up, having a glass of wine and feeling a splash of despair.

I keep thinking that I’ll get it together one day. Then I look at my life and judge. Is it together to have put my coffee on the roof of my car? Or losing my gym membership card? Or forgetting to tell companies that I’ve recently moved and having to try to get my bills back? Nope, that isn’t it. Not together.

Recently, I’ve realized a fundamental flaw in this process. It’s not working. And here’s some reasons why.

First of all, it’s incredibly non-specific. What would my life be like if I had it together? Beautiful sun shines into my perfectly dusted and immaculate kitchen, where I’ve just Martha-Stewarted up a lovely pitcher of fresh lemonade for a few lovely friends in matching glasses?

Secondly, there is no way to measure my success. How would I stack up the togetherness scale? “Based on my recent activities, I’m 72.6% together, today. Not bad, Diana, but you could do better.”  I don’t even have specific activities that might get me points, like putting all my laundry away after doing it or finishing a short story or not leaving dishes in the sink. Nada. Not a scrap of pointage to be had on any level.

Thirdly, why am I even saving it to myself. It’s like I’ve been implanted with a brain chip that parrots the term over and over. “Get it together, get it together.” And when it starts, I’m in action trying to get it together, alright. Without fail. Driven to somehow have it all together.

This has never benefited me. And I don’t think it will.

So, starting today – I’m declaring that I will never get my life together. This is my life, as it is.

And just maybe, I could learn to love my messy bedroom, my disorganized files and the damn piles of piles that I can’t seem to escape. Not holding my breath on that one. But maybe I could just cut myself some slack.

 

People off sick at work?

If a co-worker is ill, fear not. The temp company will send a replacement worker as good as the one who is off sick. And fast.

Maggie is a one-paw typist and works well with others. Everyone was pleased with the replacement and only had one minor complaint. She begged for their lunches.

Three spams: English translation gone bad

Today, I received three of the same spam blog posts regarding my messy closet. Ok, fine, I do have a messy closet. It’s true. But to discern what is being offered and how is an amusing activity.

It seems you get many variations of the offer with different English translators. Some favorites:
Indeed and No Kidding are deemed the same
To apparatus the pandemonium, tackle the disorder and grapple with the chaos are three ways to say deal with the mess
deal with the delinquent – I think they mean me
pooped of not any time being adept to allow is tired of not having any time to do it, but I like this better

Here are the first paragraphs from each of the three:

Spam 1:

“It may be loiter again and again to apparatus the pandemonium that has become your closet. Indeed, are you pooped of not at any time being adept to allot what you yen in your closet? The system of closet organization doesn’t from to be intimidating if you approach the delinquent in a up nearby fitting for manner. We be dressed listed, In this article, several ideas to call to mind a consider about when deciding how to standardize a closet using diverse closet organizing systems. ”

 

Spam 2:

“It may be on one occasion to tackle the disorder that has fit your closet. No kidding, are you pooped of not at any time being capable to windfall what you impecuniousness in your closet? The system of closet classification doesn’t have to be intimidating if you overtures to the question in a up at hand pace manner. We have listed, In this article, various ideas to think with when deciding how to form a closet using diverse closet organizing systems. ”

 

Spam 3:

“It may be term to grapple with the chaos that has transform into your closet. No kidding, are you worn out of not at any time being able to find what you yen in your closet? The transform of closet configuration doesn’t from to be intimidating if you modus operandi the delinquent in a imprint at hand fitting for manner. We be dressed listed, In this article, several ideas to over hither when deciding how to organize a closet using many closet organizing systems.”

 

Well done, translators. Very funny.

Dinner proposal – online dating

I just got an email online from a guy who said he’d invite me over, make me a Swanson dinner and serve me grape juice. Why didn’t I answer that one yet? Hmmmm….

So, as you might do with online dating sites, I checked out his profile before responding. From the answers he gave, I’m guessing he’s trying to be witty. But I’m unsure.

His picture – now this is another thing. It’s an extremely muscular body in a full-on, body-building pose. No picture of his face. No sign of what his smile might be like. Just a body.

If this is his body, which it very well might be, I doubt he eats frozen dinners. So, why is he planning on serving one to me?!

Oh…wait! He’s 19 years old. Hold the fort! I take that back. 19 and he’s offered to go out and buy a frozen dinner and make it for me. That’s amazing.

 

This makes me sad.

When a couch is left out on the street and no one takes it, I get a bit sad inside.The note on it says, “Free! Please take me home.” It was waiting there for days.

Abandoned Couch

I feel like this couch sometimes.

Directing, joking and such.