I always thought it odd that people said they got panic attacks. That they admitted it, because it takes openness to ‘fess up. I didn’t think I knew what one was – but I was just in denial. For fear they’d creep up on me and steal my breath. Bastards.

I realized I’d had them before…when I’m really afraid of something abstract – like how big the universe actually is or being dropped into a bottomless pit and never landing –  ever. I start breathing hard, feel really frantic and get a wicked stomach ache. Mostly I walk quickly in multiple directions, trying to figure out where to go. Except that I’m trying to get away from my own brain. Which isn’t possible while living, I think. Except for an out of body experience. And those are hard to summon.

But I have a fear of eternity (its abstract length as well as living that long), burning in hell (thanks catholic upbringing) ..and never losing that last 5 pounds. The final one just makes me annoyed, for the record. I only panic about large abstract things.

Wow – I have lived my whole life having no idea that I’ve been trying to avoid summoning a panic. Like if I admit it, I’d start getting them regularly. At present, I can keep them at bay.

This epiphany was brought to me by being up all night worrying about something else. Thanks, life.

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