The thoughts in my head

You know those thoughts that you think. The ones that spring you into some kind of action the minute you think them.

For me, one of them is “Get it together!”  I say that to myself all the time, and usually, I feel bad about not having it together. I furiously clean up, or make dinner or try to plan a week’s menu. I’ll write, bake, create a filing system, take photos, organize my computer, arrange my room.  But no matter what, the “together” part never seems to happen. Which typically leads me to giving up, having a glass of wine and feeling a splash of despair.

I keep thinking that I’ll get it together one day. Then I look at my life and judge. Is it together to have put my coffee on the roof of my car? Or losing my gym membership card? Or forgetting to tell companies that I’ve recently moved and having to try to get my bills back? Nope, that isn’t it. Not together.

Recently, I’ve realized a fundamental flaw in this process. It’s not working. And here’s some reasons why.

First of all, it’s incredibly non-specific. What would my life be like if I had it together? Beautiful sun shines into my perfectly dusted and immaculate kitchen, where I’ve just Martha-Stewarted up a lovely pitcher of fresh lemonade for a few lovely friends in matching glasses?

Secondly, there is no way to measure my success. How would I stack up the togetherness scale? “Based on my recent activities, I’m 72.6% together, today. Not bad, Diana, but you could do better.”  I don’t even have specific activities that might get me points, like putting all my laundry away after doing it or finishing a short story or not leaving dishes in the sink. Nada. Not a scrap of pointage to be had on any level.

Thirdly, why am I even saving it to myself. It’s like I’ve been implanted with a brain chip that parrots the term over and over. “Get it together, get it together.” And when it starts, I’m in action trying to get it together, alright. Without fail. Driven to somehow have it all together.

This has never benefited me. And I don’t think it will.

So, starting today – I’m declaring that I will never get my life together. This is my life, as it is.

And just maybe, I could learn to love my messy bedroom, my disorganized files and the damn piles of piles that I can’t seem to escape. Not holding my breath on that one. But maybe I could just cut myself some slack.